ManicWorld Magazine

You used to think of him,
And you would think of his smile.
The way his eyes thinned out,
Followed by a glimpse of just 2 of his upper teeth.
You used to think of him,
And you would think of how this smile turned into a moderate laugh
Which usually was short, but with a lingering sound. 
You used to think of him,
And you would think of the sense of warmth and genuineness in that laugh. 
You used to think of him,
And you would think of him in his maroon dressing gown,
Standing in front of the mirror, making funny faces.
You used to think of him,
And you would think of the smell of
Valdermer soap and Old Spice aftershave,  
You used to think of him
And you would think of his reassuring, protective and safe touch.
You used to think of him
And you would think of the breakfast table filled with sweet indulgence. 
But, these days, you think of him and ask yourself, 
What happens to a word deferred?
Does it wane like the crescent moon?
Or does it decay like an abandoned road kill and then burst? 
Goodbye, a word you deferred.

You tiptoed out of the room because he was sleeping
His first sleep in weeks
He heard the sound of the door
So, he called out your name
You did not respond,
You hurried in your steps,
He needed to sleep
You needed to sleep
Every day for the last 29 days
You stayed up with Him
So, tonight, he would go back to sleep and 
You will see him tomorrow. 
“Take him home, the doctor said.
And let it happen in the midst of all that he loves”
It can happen today, tomorrow or in 3 months.
It hadn’t happened in 29 days
And you thought 1 more day.

Didn’t you wish for this?
Not to be there when it happened?
Didn’t you want this?
Not to watch the tug-of-war between him and the dark angel
As they both grapple for that last breath?
Didn’t you think it would happen?
Didn’t you?
To say you can’t forgive yourself
And it’s been 4 years,
To say you still hear him call out your name
As you hurried in your steps
To say you could have stopped
To say I love you 
To say Goodbye, Dad.